Thanks a lot Merrylegs!

Signed ~
Hayburner

Dear Hayburner,
Thank you for giving me the benefit of the doubt. You obviously think I must be an expert on the topic. Was it my sleek body or my shiny hair that gave me away?

I know I don't look a day over 29, but truthfully I am a 31. Sadly, I have been battling the bulge since I was a young filly preparing for my first auction block. In those days, carbs were in and neck sweaters were the norm.

Like many mares, my dietary pattern has change significantly over the past 3 decades. Once one only had the choose between alfalfa and oat. Now a days, our owners are challenged with choosing between wheat, rye, timothy hays and bland grass hay - just to name a few. I am a California girl and have not had the pleasure of trying world cuisine so I can't give you advice on the best type of hay in your area.

Your owner sounds conscientious and will ultimately choose what is right for you.

Bon Appetite,

Merrylegs

Freckles

Dear Merrylegs,
I overheard my person's sister telling her about a site she recently found called Horsequest.com. She was going on and on about how cool it was. She really liked the journel and thought the Dear Merrylegs advise was quite cute. Apparently my person's sister is looking for some sort of trail riding log for my person. I am not a registered or full blood horse, so I guess they couldn't go to their horse association like they did for my pasture mates. But that really isn't MY problem. I have two problems, one is that I live with two AQHA (mare and gelding), one Thoroughbred mare, and one Appaloosa gelding. They all have cool names like Countess, General and Miss Kitty (of the Longbranch Saloon) and my name is Freckles. There is a new guy (named Rescue because they saved him from some un-named fate), but since he's little (6 months old) they keep him in a separate paddock for now. Anyway, the mares are really big compared to me (I'm only 14.2 and they are both 15.3) And they are always nipping at me and giving me "the look" (you know the one with their ears laid back). They also think they are all hot stuff since they are registered. Especially the two mares (they are actually very pretty bays). I am a gelding. And as far as my people can tell I appear to be part Arabian and part Appaloosa (is that uncommom?). My other problem is that the other horses' people tease my person because she is 5'7" and I am only 14'2. When everyone goes on trail rides, we have to hear everyone tease us about being the shortest ones and how my person's feet are dragging, etc. They are always asking us how the weather is down there and calling me rock climber. Anyhow, I am coping as best I can, because my owner actually likes my size, and I AM kinda cute (regardless of breeding).

Signed ~
Freckles

Dear Freckles,
The way I see it you don't have any problems, your pasturemates do. Those snooty mares are a) insecure and teasing you to make themselves feel better, b) bored and making fun of you because they have nothing going on in life, or c) hot for your grade butt and too immature and silly to know how to properly deal with their feelings. I swear on my show champion prize winning hinny that there is nothing wrong with being a grade horse. No one would know with all my class and style, but yours truly doesn't have any papers either. I'm a gorgeous combination of POA, Arab and Saddlebred and a fancier equine I dare you to find. Arab/Appy sounds like a fabulous cross to me, much better than a lot of those heavy on the forehand, over-muscled, navicular-footed, big-butted Quarter Horses. I'm not saying that there are not incredible Quarter Horses out there, just that being a registered Quarter Horse in no way makes you incredible. O.K. now as for your size Freckles, you really should be grateful for that too. Smaller horses live longer on average, and Arabs tend to have especially long hearty lives. Count yourself doubly blessed Freckles, because Appys are know for being strong and sound with good feet. If your rider has no problem with the relative sizes of the two of you, no one else should either. Chances are, you will still be floating along soundly and beautifully carrying your rider after your pasturemates are in the geriatric ward. Be proud Freckles,

Merrylegs

Confused & Concerned

Dear Merrylegs,
I am having an identity crisis. Last week a dopey PG&E workman thought I was an Arabian. I am a 16.3 hand Oldenburg mare. I am big, beautiful and graceful, but I am not a dainty little Arabian! Now, I am beginning to wonder? How can anyone think I am anything less than what I am? Please help Merrylegs. I keep trying to look at myself in the rain puddles to see if my physique has changed?

Signed ~
Confused and Concerned

Dear Confused and Concerned,
I am concerned alright, about what a pompous snob you are. What makes you think that you are better than a "dainty little Arabian"? News flash: Oldenburgs have Arab blood in them, a pure proud blood that is in many many breeds. And besides you so snotty, warmbloods are the bomb fool, maybe Mr. PG&E meant it as a complement. To a lot of the horse illiterate Black Stallion watching public, the best horses are Arabians. That guy was probably admiring you and you took it as an insult. Could it be as an Oldenburg, you see yourself a member of the warmblood elitist crowd, but are still a bit insecure because Oldenburg is a North America warmblood creation, for those of "the more desirable European bloodlines" of say Dutch Warmbloods and Hannoverians, but without the rigorous requirements and "purity" of those European registrys. I mean sweetie, Arabs born right here in the USA can be approved for the Oldenburg mare book. Who knows, maybe your grandma was an Arab, and that PG&E man just has an eye for horses.

Were all the same on the inside.

Get over yourself,

Merrylegs

Hey Spaz Next Door:

Dear Merrylegs,
Hi,
I am a grey arab gelding. My name is Tiz a Dandy. In the stall next to me is Dancer a 17 hand T'bred. He freaks out everytime my rider Bridgette stands on my back to look over the side of the stall at him. Does he spaz out because of her big poufy blue jacket or what? I hope this is maretalk appropriate.

Signed ~
Tiz

Dear Tiz,
Your guess is as good as mine Tiz. Here's what I think. Hum Thoroughbreds, they are so highly bred, inbred really and seems like every third one of them is a little loony. Also, the big ones are often the most off their rockers. And with a name like Dancer, you gotta wonder. Is he named that because he gigs and prances around like a freak? Those artsy types are so unpredictable. Your 17 hand pal might think Bridgette is a twelve foot tall talking blueberry in that poufy jacket peering over the stall wall at him. He might think she is a deranged floating smurf coming to steal his hay. I mean any sane horse would clearly recognize that she is just a sweet girl standing on your back to get a new perspective on things.

You seem to have a level head on your shoulders, not all Arabs do you know. You can try to talk to Dancer, reason with the guy. Either he'll get it and the two of you can laugh about how silly he was being, or he won't have a clue and will continue to freak out and dance from the sight of a girl in a blue jacket.

Either way no sweat off your back.
Happy Holidays,

Merrylegs

Wanna Be Clicked!:

Dear Merrylegs,
I am a 3 year old filly. I was born and raised on a prestigious Hannoverian farm. I lived in a 5 acre pasture with several other colts and fillies my age. Life was wonderful.

Recently, I was purchased by a nice girl who said it was time for me to "Get a Job". She moved my to a stable where I am locked in a stall and paddock. Once a day I am turned out with a few other young horses.

Unfornately, the horses in the turnout field are very clicky and will not accept me into their little clan. What can I do?

Signed ~
Wanna be Clicked

Dear Clicky,
Horses can be so cruel.

The next time your are turned out with the other horses, don't act as if you care about them. Find yourself a nice pad of grass and begin to munch. Allow the lead mare to run about with the others on her tail. Stay calm and mind your own business. Once everyone has settled down to graze, start racing around the field. Hold your tail and your head high and snort. You will undoubtedly attract the attention of the other. They will undoubtedly join in and begin running with you. Frolic for a few minutes and your field mates will become so caught up in the excitement they will forget about the boundaries and soon you will be one of them.

Merrylegs

Kicked Off!:

Dear Merrylegs,
Dear Merrylegs, I have a bit of a problem. My neighbour in the next stall over is troubling me. He kicks and thrashes at the partition that divides our stalls all night long! All I can hear is bang! bang! It drives our other stable mates crazy too. What should I do about this troublesome neighbour?

Signed ~
Kicked Off

Dear Kicked Off,
This problem should be easy to solve. Usually the most annoying horses are the easiest to annoy. Enlist the help of all your stablemates and implement this plan. Pretend to ignore this stall kicker while he is kicking. As soon as he stops kicking, to eat, sleep, drink whatever, one of you needs to chime in with your best kicking melody. When that horse gets bored,tired sore or a splinter another one of you needs to keep the kicking going. Do not stop until that habitual kicker screams in protest and then screams again. Ask him how he likes your music. Tell him every time he starts to kick at his stall, your feet just start a-tapping and your cannot control yourselves; that you just want to have a foot banging ball all night and all day. He will then grown and wince and likely never kick his stall again. Just a little lesson in empathy,

Merrylegs

School Girl:

Dear Merrylegs,
I have a small problem. I live at a riding school where they teach a lot of great young kids riding and how to take care of horses. I love working there, but lately I have been having trouble with one particular student. She is very nice, but she is also very timid, and she often surprises me because she jumps every time I move! I really want to help her learn, and I have to stick with her cause she has rented me as is the policy at the stable. I am virtually "her horse". I want to show her that I won't hurt her, and that she has no reason to be afraid of horses. Please help us Merrylegs, I don't want to scare her away from riding for the rest of her life!

Signed ~
School Girl

Dear School Girl,
A timid child- this is a tough one. It is easy after a while to loose your patience with the overly timid and just want to wait for them to fearfully crawl on you and then shake furiously like a wet dog, stop turn your head and look humbly at his/her frozen face as if to say, "What in the world are you afraid of? I am not a lion,tiger or bear, but a docile old school horse. If anyone should be afraid it is I, who has endured years of uneducated harsh hands, off balance cues and lopsided kicks." But please as tempting as it may be, don't do that. You must rise above and become the quintessential saint of the school horse world. When she jumps at your littlest move, cough or tail swat, stop moving, drop your head, look at her sweetly and wait for her next move. Stand like a statue when she mounts you, even if she inadvertently kicks you in the kidney. If when you a chugging a long she loses a stirrup or gets off balance, stop and let her regroup herself. If she tries to conquer jumping and falls on your neck, hold that neck steady and strong so she does not tumble. And if she makes and unscheduled dismount, stop and quietly walk over to her with a lowered head, prick your ears forward and nuzzle her back on her feet. You are sure to win her over soon enough. Unfortunately, soon after she'll probably have an eye on some shiny younger "move-up" horse, and you'll get saddled with some new beginner on your back. Such is the life of a school horse. Just remember even those Olympic riders hold a special place in their heart for the good ole mares and geldings that taught them the ropes.

Merrylegs

Please Don't Eat the Road Apples!:

Dear Merrylegs,
"My stable mate has the most disgusting habit of sampling road apples when he is turned out in the arena. He is only 3 but this is a very gross habit and could lead to parasite transfer not to mention his breath! How do I tell him, without hurting his feelings, to cease and desist?

Signed ~
Please Don't Eat the Road Apples!

Dear Please Don't Eat the Road Apples,
Hum, have you seen your stable mates teeth? I know he has wicked breath, but try to get a good look back in his mouth. Make sure he is not sporting canine teeth, because he could just be a really big Great Dane or wolf hound. No?, then I think he's either got a salt/mineral deficiency or some bizarre hormonal problem. Just tell it to him straight. If he doesn't want to be the stable outcast, if he ever wants any chance of landing a filly, he's got to stop recycling manure. I know it's awkward and difficult sometimes to come right out with it, but as an older and wiser horse and as a friend you owe this road apple connoisseur the truth. If after your little talk he still doesn't cease and desist, treat him like a the social leper he is acting like or better yet how most horses treat donkeys, as funny looking and funnier smelling dorks. Best of luck,

Merrylegs

Pooped:

Dear Merrylegs,
My pasture is full of manure. It is gross, I have no place to lay down without getting poop in my tail. What should I do?

Signed ~
Pooped

Dear Pooped,
This is an easy one. Lay in it, roll in it. Make sure every inch of your body is carrying a sticky stenchy manure coating. Any normally white part of your body needs to be covered extra extra good. Your owner should soon learn that cleaning all the manure off of you is harder than cleaning it off the ground. If your owner cleans the pasture but lets it go just a little, seek out those few piles and lather yourself up with manure again the best you can. Even if there are only two fairly fresh piles, wait for your owner to come into sight and then furious roll over and over in those two piles. In such cases, you may actually be able to make you owner neurotic about keeping your pasture clean. And why should you settle for less. Remember your owner was put on earth to care for you. Happy rolling, Merrylegs

Signed ~
Live Larva

Dear Live Larva,
Dear Live Larva, Your owner sounds like a rude, inconsiderate, lazy pig. No horse deserves to live like that. How dare s/he expect you to drink water with blood suckers in it. I am going to assume that your owner keeps you at home, because you said s/he is responsible for changing your water and not some stable employee. So here's what you gotta do. Wait for your owner to go to work or off on errands. Break out of your stall, paddock, field or whatever cage holds you. Try to just jimmy the lock with your mouth, but if you can't get it open, take a deep breath and plow down the gate or door. Make a bee-line for your owner's house, and get yourself inside any which way you can. Again if you can open a door with your teeth that would be the best, because you don't want to tick your owner off too too badly. If the doors are locked, go ahead and knock off the hinges. I have found a big two legged donkey kick works best for such jobs. Once inside you are going to look for a bathroom. This is a room that has a big bowl on the floor with water in it, a counter with a smaller empty bowl and a big trough-like tub. I don't care how thirsty you are do not drink out of the bowl with water in it. That is where humans do their business, and it ain't pretty. (Oh by the way, make sure you do not make a manure pie in your owner's house or s/he may sell you to Alpo.) Go over to the big trough-like thing. You will see levers, knobs and/ or handles, which you must turn, pull, push and/or switch until you find which one makes cold water come out and which one stops the water from going down the drain. Leave the water on until it runs on the floor, just a bit. Drink your fill and then make lovely muddy hoof prints through the house and back to your cage. When your owner returns and discovers what you have done, most likely s/he will be a tad angry with the mess you've made but more shocked with your ingenuity to find clean water. You should definitely get your water thoroughly cleaned and a lot more respect for your humble requests in the future. Go For It, Merrylegs P.S. If you are currently drinking out of a plastic container, and feel like the most of us- that even when it is clean it tastes yucky, break into your owners house a few more times and drink out of that cool porcelain tub. Don't forget to leave the muddy hoof-prints, and I bet you can score a nice porcelain tub in your cage. There is mosquito larva in my water. Yuk! I refuse to drink this. It has been so hot lately and I am thirsty. What can I do to convince my owner to change my water regularly?

Thanks for your feedback,

Signed ~
Gelded Charlie

Dear Gelded Charlie,
Sorry Charlie but Viagra is not gonna do it for you. Viagra can help you hold the gun and maybe even pull the trigger, but it won't keep you from shooting blanks. Before you get all depressed and lament your gelded life, look closely over at Alex's paddock and I think you'll realize the grass isn't always greener in the Stallion's corral. The fences on his corral or paddock are probably higher than yours and maybe topped with hot wire. Very likely he does not have any adjacent neighbors and definitely he is not next to a cute mare. Sure mares may get to "dine" with him during breeding season, but I bet he is a lot lonelier than you the rest of the year. And are you even sure he gets to "dine"? Most stallions today don't get to partake in such pleasure. Instead they are taught to mount a dummy mare only to have their semen collected and sent to who knows where and given to who knows who.

It's not like he gets to pick his dates Charlie. I can hear you thinking, "Yeah well any date would be fine". Well then Charlie- Stand up, be a proud gelding and find a hot Chiquita of your own. Maybe you are lucky enough to be out in a coed pasture. There are plenty of mares just looking for a good friend to share her hay pile, scratch her itch or provide a tail switch for the flies. If your in an all gelding pasture, a gelding may not be as cute or socially desirable but can serve just as well for your needs.True it is harder to meet and develop a relationship if you are kept in a paddock or stall alone, but I know you can do it Charlie. Give that potential special someone the eye out on the trail, flirt in the trailer or the crossties and smile at him or her in the arena. You know your good points, so be sure to talk them up. You'd be shocked how hard it is to find a mate with good eating manners. (Trust me I've tried)

Merrylegs

New Mom Night Mare:

Dear Merrylegs,
I need your advice desperately. I am a new mom. My foal is an awnery little punk brat colt. He thinks it is quite fun to rear up on me all day long. His petite hooves jab into the side of my gut and it hurts. Another favorite is running up, spinning around and kicking me.

To top things off, he does not sleep at night. He is insistent on nursing through the night. I am not getting any sleep. He is also really harsh on my nipples. They are oh so very tender and he insists on punching them with his nose before he begins to suck.

This is my first baby and I do not know how to discipline him. I don’t want to break his spirit but I also don’t want him to grow up to become a social outcast. The mare across the way has a nice, well-behaved filly. Is this acting out just a colt thing?

Please give me some insight on rearing this rearing child of mine.

Signed ~
New Mom Night Mare

Dear New Mom Night Mare,
You've got a lot to learn. Where do I start? First, oh Yeah are you sure you are a horse? I don't know any equine that can sleep through the night. We normal horses sleep 15-20 minutes at a time. We're made that way so we are not so vulnerable to lions and tigers and bears. That's also the reason we so often sleep standing up. Usually if we have a foal, his/her eating schedule dictates when we can sleep, and it works out quite well. If you are looking for hours of sleep, you should have been born a cat ( but then you might get blessed with six kittens at once. Talk about sore nipples)

Ok to your other questions. You have to nip that ornery behavior right in the bud. You want to raise up your colt to respect other horses and people, to teach him the code of horse morals and ethics and most importantly to teach him never to pick on a bigger or stronger horse or to mess with a human lest he end up in the rodeo or in Alpo. When he is too rough with your nipples grab at his flank and pull with the same vigor as he does your nipples. This should curtail his roughness right away. When he goes to kick you pin your ears, and kick him back not to injure or to maim but certainly with enough force that he thinks twice about disrespecting dear ole mom again. O.K. now try to be as impartial and honest as you can, I know we all think our sons are the next Secretariat, but is he really stallion material? If so you don't want to discourage the rearing and mounting too much. The little guy should start practicing as early as possible, even though he may never get to encounter a live mare. Those breeding dummies can be almost as fun. If there is no doubt that your little man is going to be cut, please please discourage the rearing. A swift kick ought to work here as well. There is just no reason to get his hopes up and there is nothing most horse people detest more than a horse with a propensity to rear, a lightness of foot in the front end, a need to dance around on his hind legs, Silver the Lone Ranger's horse complex or whatever else you want to call it.

Best of luck New Mom Night Mare,

Merrylegs

Windy Cindy:

Dear Merrylegs,
It has been really windy lately and wind makes me nervous. My owner insists on riding me even on the windiest of days. Then she gets upset when I spook. As a punishment she lounges me, prior to riding, until I am exhausted. How can I overcome my nervousness on windy days?

Signed ~
Windy Cindy

Dear Windy Cindy,
Why does the wind make you nervous? Are you afraid of boogiemen? If so you are a freak and need to seek professional help. If however you are like me and most horses and just hate the havoc that the wind weaks on your coat, the knots it puts in your mane and tail, the dust it throws in your eyes and shoves down your throat, then I can probably be of assistance to you. Most humans don't like to ride in a monsoon any more than we horses like to be ridden in one, but obviously your owner is an exception. OK here is my advice: act all calm and content so she doesn't lounge you, go around fine for a while until there is a big gust, then throw her (gently) into a little whirl wind. If she gets up and lounges you, act calm and quiet until she gets on you again then repeat the dumping scene. If you do this enough times, she will probably think that the wind makes you just too darn unpredictable, and chose to forgo the riding on tornado days. If not at least you won't be the only one with sand wedged in your throat. Oh and if you throw her just right she'll get it in her ears and down her shirt too. Good Luck, Merrylegs

Signed ~
Back Aches

Dear Back Aches,
I feel for you. I have a nice gelding friend who had a similar problem. His back was killing him for almost a year and his lame-brained owner never figured out. You'd think those humans would be cognizant that all that bouncing and flailing away up on our backs can take a toll. We're not made of steel you know. Every horse who carries someone heavier than Calista Flockhart deserves a good chiropractor and many equine massages.

Anyway back to my gelding friend. He thought his pain was obvious. I mean he did everything short of scribbling "sore back" in his grain. He would pin his ears when his owner put on the saddle, cringe and almost buckle when she mounted, walk off stiff behind, and sometimes he'd resist moving at all then launch into a bucking fit. She sent him to a mean cowboy, "break those nasty habits" jerk who put an ooh so painful western saddle on him and spurred him forward. It wasn't until he started to pretend he had to pee (he'd get in the stance all spread out like a Tennessee Walker then feigned he was too bashful to perform the task) that his owner finally got a vet to look him over. It took the vet like five minutes to diagnose him with a sore back, because I guess a lot of horses find the "pee-stance" is a good way to alleviate some back pain and a great way to get the vet to visit. The vet prescribed rest, massage and a chiropractor. His owner felt guilty and showered him with carrots and horse cookies. Sure his little performance was a bit embarrassing, but the payoff was worth it. Best of luck, Merrylegs

Going Broke:

Dear Merrylegs,
I just turned three. I over heard my owner say that she is going to "Break" me this spring. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ? WILL IT HURT???

Signed ~
Going Broke

Dear Going Broke,
Getting Broke means being trained to carry a rider and yielding to his/her commands (even when those commands seem a bit much or flat out unreasonable). Most horses go into the service industry, not of our own choice but because the humans who decide our destiny see us serving them as a vehicle for leisure, pleasure and/or competition. Only a lucky few get to spend their lives as lawn mowers and/or breeders, and Going Broke it sounds like your lottery number did not come up.

Getting broke doesn't usually hurt. A lot of it depends on your attitude. You have to prepare yourself mentally- start envisioning yourself sporting a beautiful saddle and a bridle. Your going to have to learn to swallow the idea of a bit. It can be a bit cold and unrelenting at first, but you'll get used to it. Picture your owner sitting up on you calling out commands by pulling on the reins or squeezing your sides. I know it would be easier if humans would just learn our language and ask us politely, but it ain't gonna happen. Remember who pays the bills, fills your tummy, scratches your back, gets your hooves done etc., because from now on you are really going to have to listen to this person. What your owner wants you to do may be confusing at first, but if s/he is any kind of decent owner s/he'll cut you some slack.

Most owners are pretty agreeable sorts. You two can learn to work really well together, become a team and have a ton of fun. Maybe you'll spend your career exploring the trails, chasing cows, competing in horseshows or doing dressage. Unfortunately, you have no say as to what discipline you'll go into, but hopefully your owner will determine the right career for you by looking at what your relatives excelled in and taking into consideration your conformation and disposition.

Going broke I debated whether or not to tell you this, because I do not want to scare you unnecessarily or prevent you from approaching your training with a positive attitude, but alas I decided the truth must be told. I am a little concerned that your particular owner may be old-fashioned, ignorant or have an ego problem because s/he uses the antiquated term "Breaking" instead of the less threatening sounding modern term for training a horse, "Starting". Old fashioned owners still live in the days when cowboys used to rope 'em wild hosses and done break 'em. Horses owned by these old-fashioned owners are saddled with big heavy ill-fitting saddles, forced to wear a harsh rusty curb bits and yanked around and spurred forward. Horses owned by ignorant owners are sometimes sent to old-fashioned trainers, just because they don't know any better. And horses owned by egomaniacs, well they are probably the worst-off. An egomaniac likes to hear him/herself say "I'm going to break my horse", just because it sounds forceful. Such an owner would break a horse, even if s/he didn't have the skills necessary to do so safely or humanely. Any problem the egomaniac owner encounters even if it is due to his/her own short-coming (which it usually is) will be blamed on you, and you'll pay dearly for it.

You probably can tell if your owner fits into one of these bad owner categories, For example is s/he listens to only Buck Owens and Willie Nelson, and still has a sticker on his/her 1970 Ford that reads "Buy American", s/he's probably old-fashioned. If you are his/her first horse or s/he constantly does inane things like trying to get you to eat tomatoes or tying you to the car door, s/he is definitely ignorant. If s/he wears skin tight black jeans, yanks you around a lot on the lead rope and calls you stupid when you're doing your best, and generally talks nothing but B.S., my money is on egomaniac. If it turns out your owner is old-fashioned there is not much you can do except maybe run away with him/her on your back to a John Lyons clinic or hope the old geezer dies and you get a younger more progressive owner. With the ignorant owner we can be hopeful. S/he may pick a good trainer to "break" you and the trainer may break your owner into real horsemanship. If not, an ignorant owner gets very little out of horse ownership and usually loses interest and either sells the horse or will just turn him/her out and forget about him/her. I hope you haven't decided your owner is an egomaniac, because dealing with them is so difficult. You have to decide to fight and fight with all you got or be totally submissive and accept periodic undeserved beatings. The owner might give up if you keep fighting or s/he might literally break you. If you submit, s/he may decide you are too boring a mount and move onto another poor horse or s/he might keep you around to abuse for the sick sport of it. I know what I'd do in your case, Gone Broke, I'd go down fighting.

I pray your owner is just ignorant, as humans so often are.

Merrylegs

I am a 13.2 reg. Welsh pony. My owner is 5.8". Her legs dangle well below my belly. Do you see the problem?

We are beginning to slip in the ranks. But that is not the least of it. Last week, we were at Indio. I was up against my top competitor. I went into the ring determined to come out with a clean run. I had just one jump to go. I was in mid air when I heard it - the clank of my riders boot on the rail. I could not believe it. The pole came down. Two faults!

I was so completely embarrassed. All the other ponies laughed. Socially I am washed up and professionally my career is on the brink of disaster.

I am a professional and I have an image to uphold. I can no longer compete with missy long legs. What can I do to convince her to get a horse her size and let me move on.

Signed ~
Career Girl

Dear Career Girl,
Start faltering. Don't act wild and unbroke, more washed-up and worn-out. Be late on a lead change or two and miss one altogether. Don't snap your knees up so darn cute and forget to perk your ears over the fences. Pull a rookie chip-in and a really scary ugly long spot. Oh and I know this is going to be tough for you (I feel I may be suggesting sacrilege), but you must pull a rail and best you do it on the last fence in a championship class.

Your rider sees the two of you as a team, unfortunately she still sees the team the two of you made when she was 8 inches shorter. She is unable to accept that she is holding you back, so you need to swallow your pride and convince her you are holding her back. You see Career Girl, humans suffer from the finger pointing syndrome, and most humans have a really tough time pointing the finger at themselves, especially if they can point it at an animal or inanimate object. I'm sure you have seen riders exclaim, "my horse is being totally uncooperative", or "the distance to that three line is set up totally wrong", when the reality is RIDER YOU BLEW IT.

No species is as honest as the equine, Career Girl, but I am telling you to lie. Give your rider an easy way out and soon she will be eyeing a big hunter and the little girls will be lining up to team up with you.

Merrylegs

Signed ~
Feeling Anemic Arabians

Dear Feeling Anemic Arabs,
You poor things. You don't happen to live in Gilroy do you? If so, you could break out of your pasture and consume huge quantities of garlic. The ticks will be so offended by your stench, that they will drop off of you and wait for another host. Even that skunk that sprayed one of you last month will smell appealing compared to you.
You probably don't live near garlic fields though, so unfortunately you are at your owners' mercy. The treatment for ticks is unpleasant- long, hard and nasty tasting. Your owners should worm you, wait a week and worm you again. They should also give you a good bath with tick soap and put tick spray on you. Once all the ticks are gone, they need to put some lotion, like Aloe Vera, on the bites. The lotion will help combat the likeliness that the hair around the tick bites will grow back white. That is fine for you grey arabs, but the rest of you can wind up looking like little appys.
Best of luck. At least your not being infested with swamp leeches.

Merrylegs

Sincerely,
Chewed Out

Dear Chewed Out,
Your owner had your stall creosoted. That is like horse abestos! What you need is a good equine attorney. If you play your hay cubes right, you'll be living out the rest of your life in a plush irrigated pasture with a swanky shelter and a few hot fillies at your beck and call. Make sure when you get into court that you do your mane conservatively and that there is no hay in your tail. Be extra polite to the judge and really play up your injuries. The more hacking and running nose the better. If you could go off your feed for a week and appear all emaciated, all the better. There is nothing like a good lawsuit to stave off boredom, but if you don't want to drag your owner through the manure you could always try to get a new one. Keep chewing everything insight. Chew right through that creosote, and when your neglectful owner makes it out to see you, don't appear to excited. Act really spooky or sullen, and maybe dump her once or twice. Sooner or later, she'll probably sell you or even give you away. Just make sure that you are on your best behavior when nice new potential owners try you out. Chances are you'll win a more attentive owner, or at least a better one than you currently have.

Merrylegs

Desperately Fearing Flies

Dear Desperately Fearing Flies,
Horses and flies are inextricably connected. Why do you think they are called Horse Flies? As long as there are horses, there will be flies. As long as there is standing water, there will mosquitoes. Those new fangled insecticide-free fly sprays work about as well as cellulite cream; you'll still have fat or flies, but you might smell a lot better. Sure the barn manager could feed you some potent stuff to kill the fly larva, but it's bad enough we have to endure worming. Maybe your owner could make you wear some dorky fly sheet, that was cool for like five minutes in 1982 when mesh was fresh, or make you wear some Darth Vader posing fly mask. I'm sure you're familiar with the most common fly and mosquito control attempts: spraying you and the barn with toxic chemicals, getting those little way scarier than flies bugs that eat fly larva, putting out smellier than a two week old dead cow fly traps, and hanging those get stuck in your mane or worse yet, fall in your owner's hair and make him/her really mad, so mad s/he forgets to curry your favorite spot and makes you counter canter for 20 minutes, fly papers. Hey while were at it, why dream small? The barn manager could hire a crew to clean up and cart off manure as soon as it falls and to drain every pool and pond of stagnant water within a mile radius of Misty Meadows Ranch. You'll have less flies and mosquitoes, but your owner will not have enough money left for your daily horse treats. Now Desperately Fearing, let's get down to the heart of the matter. Have you ever thought about a good horsey therapist, because honey you seem to be suffering from a little EOCD (Equine Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). You see dreaming about rapture sized mosquitoes and T-rexed sized flies, it's just not healthy and it's not normal either. Maybe there are others like you in your barn. Ask around the stable if there is a support group for horses similarly afflicted. If your owner has to take you out for treatment, it could run really steep. You not only will have to give up your horsey treats, but you can just as well forget that decadent equine massage you wanted for your birthday. Can't you just keep your tail swishing and forget about it?

Merrylegs

Gophered

Dear Gophered,
A good workout routine is what you need. If you stick to a sensible exercise program, you will alleviate some of your anxiety and surplus energy and get yourself in tip-top shape for the time when you are turned-out. Don't fret, a 12'x12' stall is ample space to get oneself into shape. The following exercises should be done at night, when humans are sleeping. Humans are very clueless when it comes to horses and their needs, so if they catch you working out in your stall they may think you are crazy. That could mean they dope you up with some nasty substance like Ace Promazine or put you in a straight jacket, uh I mean hobbles.

Exercises:
1. Bucking in Place
2. Rearing in sets of three
3. Canter piroutte left and right
4. Passage
5. Lunges

Remember when starting any exercise program:
1. Always stretch first
2. Start slow and don't push yourself
3. Vary exercises so you don't get bored

Good luck Gopher. If you stick to this routine, You'll be known as Hot Hooves out in that hay pasture.

Merrylegs